To Hope or Not To Hope

I haven't talked about my sweet niece on here but those of you who know me have heard about her. She was born with half of a heart, and we were told that we should not hope for her to live long. That was 3 months ago. She is such a fighter, she just likes to do the imposible. I tried not to open my heart to her, but how do you not love a baby? Well her heart Dr. is thinking that because she is older, she might be able to have something less invasive done than what they were thinking about at birth. So now we wait and see what he thinks on the 3rd. If she makes it that long. So now we are back to the if he think she could make it, do we try, or do we stand back and let her go. oh it makes me a little sick, what if she dies in surgery? Will we wish we hadn't? Oh I'm so glad it's not my choice to make!!

It's raining.....in my heart.

The past week or two have been really hard on me. I have missed Dad. I cry almost everyday, and yet I don't know why I miss him now more than any other time. Yesterday was Father's Day, that could be the answer. A friend of mine lost her Dad last week, and it brought back so many, many memories. At least the nightmares haven't come back. Just trying to write this makes me cry. I need my Dad, he was always there for me. He always had the time for me. I have always felt lost in my family, "C" being the oldest was special and has the musical abilities to blow anyone out of the water. He NEVER had to try, it came oh so natural to him, he never once had to hear why can't you be as good as ..... I don't mean to take it out on him, I was the middle child, and with a younger sister whom was always sick, you get a little over looked. But through it all I felt like Dad tried to "see" me. My Dad ran the "chains" at the football games so that he could be there while I cheered. At half time we would share a drink or a bite to eat, it was fun. This is turning into a pitty me post, but I just need to get it all out. OI feel like I'm drowning in self pitty, but I don't know why, why now. I need to get past this, but I am at a loss. What do I do, Dad I need you!

My sweet boys

I was reminded the other day about how well my boys took grandpa's death. The week before: Grandpa and Grandma took them to the pumpkin patch to get pumpkins. My youngest boy was still shy of grandpa. On Friday we had a dinner to go to so we left them with G & G. "L" went to Grandpa and didn't want anyone else. We all laughed that he was finally getting used to him. The next day we had a Halloween party at the church and then after we drove out to see G & G. He climbed on Grandpa's lap and play with him all night. The next day he kept asking for him. I was tired and we had just been there so we stayed home. The next day he asked for him again, and again. Finally I took them out to see him. I had forgotten that it was class night so he wasn't home. I felt bad but thought oh well we will just come back tomorrow. The next morning was the day we found out Grandpa had died. When I got home from the funeral home, I was trying to think of who to tell him the news, after all he was not even 2 yet. I was so sad, I walked in the room and they both just looked at me. I didn't have to say anything, they knew. My sweet little boys could feel it. "L" never asked for him again. "J" would get sick every time Grandma and him were around each other, as if he could feel her sadness and it was to much for him to handle. The night of the viewing, "L" said to us, look at grandpa, he is sleeping in a bed. Night, night grandpa. "j" just cried. It was a year later that "J" came home from church one day and said to me, mom, did you know that Grandpa will live again someday- Just like Jesus!! I cried because he remembered Grandpa! Even now they will tell me of things that they did with him, and ask if I remember. Thanks to my sweet boys, he lives on in our hearts.

Speaking of Cards

The other day a friend asked what to say to someone you knew, who had lost someone you didn't know. Well seeing as we received many cards from people we didn't know I'll tell you what I felt reading them. One card we got said how sorry they were. They had never met him, but they had heard such wonderful things about him that they knew someone important had been taken. To me that was so sweet. That someone somewhere had said that about him, meant so much to me. I can't even recall how many cards I received from people who knew that it was my Dad and they knew my husband. How nice of them to go out of their way to send thoughts of care to us. So the next time you think oh, I should have done something, sent something, it's NEVER to late. If I was to get something now I would still be so thankful that they thought of me. Short I know, but it seemed important for me to say this. And if you sent something or said something---- Thank you.