The Day I lost Dad

It's funny how many thing seem to lead up to one moment in time. The summer before Dad's death I would be doing something and stop and think "What would we do without Dad. How would we make it." and then in the same moment another thought would form "well you would find a way. It might not be easy, but you will go on without him." To which I would quickly think I was morbid for those thoughts. Then it happened. I didn't sleep well, and then was awakened by the phone call from heck. At first it wasn't so bad. "Hey Dad's been in an accident. We don't know anything else but we are headed over to Gooding do you want to go with." I would have said no, but something pulled on my heart- Dad was always getting hurt, why was this one different? So I got ready to go, and then it hit me, I told Darren that I thought he should call my uncle and be ready to come over and meet us. The funny thing was I lied to him and said Dad might need a blessing, but in reality I felt Uncle M should be there for Mom. We got in the car and at that point I got the news that someone was saying he was dead. Mom kept saying that she didn't believe it. I don't blame her- I tried really hard to feel that he was alive, but I felt calm, too calm. Mom asked what I felt. Now here is why that means anything. Who nI was 13 and my friend was hit and killed I felt it, inside I knew something had just happened. When my grandfather died, I felt him, he woke me up and I felt him say goodbye. I didn't feel Dad go, but I felt that he was okay, that he wasn't hurting. To me that meant one of two things, he was not hurt bad, or he was dead and not in pain. I hated to admit anything, so I told Mom that I felt that he was okay- whatever that meant. I think she knew what I was "not" saying. Then we had to decide where to go. I said that I felt we should not go to the plant. Now looking back I know that would have been a sight none of us needed. At that point we found out he was dead. It was quick and done. Nothing to do- no goodbyes, nothing but sitting and wiahing I could be back in bed. My life as I knew it would forever be changed. As I write this the feelings of that moment come rushing back. The why and how, and all the other unanswered questions. How could this happen to us. I just stood there and wanted to die. In fact a little piece of me did. I wanted to shield Mom from the hurt, but I knew that I couldn't. I wanted to climb into a dark hole and come out when the world was right again. But knowing that it didn't work that way I just continued to live. Here I am headed towards the 2nd year anniversary of that day, and it still haunts me. The nightmares are gone now, but the emptiness still comes to call every once in a while.

The 10 "E's"

I was challenged to find ten e's and tell what they meant or why I chose them. So, I'll just start and see how many I can get before I have to look some up.

1. Energy: What you needed to keep up with Dad when he decided on a project.

2. emergancy room: the place he ended up after he tried to cut off or smash a part of his body.

3. eloquent: not what you would at first think of...but it mean's to clearly show some meaning or feeling. So, Dad showing us how much it meant to love his spouse.

4. enjoyment: spending time with him.

5. Easter: sacrifice, Dad hidding the eggs over and over so the grandson's could keep finding them

6. embark: how many times he embarked on trips to come visit us in Texas, without complaining

7. emotion: how I feel when I think of how much we will miss not having him here to see some of our children blessed, or to see them grow up. Never getting to hold my daughter.

8. error: one of his favorite jokes was "I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong."

9. esteem: it was amazing to know that people who had known my Dad, held in in high esteem

10. Eternal: What we are tring to become- an eternal famiy, to be together again.

So there they are. As silly as some of them may be, they all have meaning.

Superman- well we thought so

That was one of the best things about Dad, he could do anything. When I was younger for christmas I got a table and chairs that was just my size. Santa had a great helper that year. If we could discribe to him what we wanted somehow he could build it. For Christmas a few years ago I asked Dad if he could build a saddle stand for my dh's saddle. He went to work and talk to some guy's about how they could do this and Christmas Eve I took home a stainless steel saddle stand. It was heave- but works so well. We also needed a gate for the round pen- once again- stainless steel. When we had a pipe in the bathroom bust- it was Dad to the rescue. The summer before he died, I can remember saying to myself, what would we do if Dad wasn't here? Well we now haveto count on other's to fix things. I was going to cut out a clock to give my brother-in-law that year, Dad was going to help me that same week. So I ended up asking his friend if he could help. He taught me how to use the saw, and we talked about Dad. And he cried, he tried not to let me see, but he did- and that mean so much to me. I knew that he loved my Dad. He was a true friend. It helps to know that so many people cared for him, because I know that they will be watching out for Mom.

All I want for Christmas is..a pony?

Yep, I know that many little girls wish and hope to get a pony for Christmas or birthdays, but one Christmas it really happened at our house. We had opened all the presents that were under the tree and we were enjoying the morning when a neighbor drove in our driveway with his horsetrailer. Dad got up and went outside to meet them when I looked out the window and saw them unloading a pony. Well with my love of horses it didn't take me long to get ready and run out the door. Dad had gotten us the pony to replace the horse we had sold, she just wasn't a horse for kids. I couldn't believe it. So by lunch we had her named,"Tandy" don't ask how she got that name, because I don't remember. She might have been bought with it, but I can't be sure of it. I just remember how glad I was that we had a pony that I could take care of by myself. I would come home from a bad day at school and go out and just climb on her and talk out my day. Many times I would just lay on her back and day dream about not having to go to school anymore. When I was in JR. High she had a colt that was black, who became "nightshade". I can remember when Dad worked for the Ranch in the canyon, we didn't see him much so we were glad when Mom would drive us down to visit him. It was on one of these visits that Dad put me on one of the horses to ride while he took them back out to their pasture. I think that was when I fell in love with them. To this day I still love them, and owe that to Dad.

Clumsy or an accident waiting to happen?

My growing up years included many days of Dad coming home with a cut or bloody something. I can remember when he worked for the dairy and dropped a very heavy pipe on his foot. His toes never were the same. In fact I think that he was quite lucky not to have lost them. Oh, you can't forget the time his head was smashed between the seat and some kind of pipe when he worked for the mill. I don't remember if he had to have stiches or not, but he once again was lucky to not have any worse damage. Then came the time that his Uncle G. came out and helped him top the trees in the yard. After the fact he said he was glad we got it done because he was having eye surgery done the next day because he couldn't see. Uh- thanks for the info Uncle G, but someone could have been hurt!! We still laugh about that one today. So, with the trees down Dad had to get them cut up into firewood. So out came the chainsaw and Dad got hard at work. My Aunt and her family came out and we had a clean up day, so while we were eating and playing games Dad was hard at work. I was outside playing in the yard when I heard the saw turn off, and I turned around to see Dad running to the house with his hands over his face. The saw had kicked back and cut into his face. Mom, Dad, and my Uncle J, headed to the Dr's office and Dad yelled out at me to go find his glasses. My Aunt and I watched them drive away and then she laughed and remarked,"oh, sure, leave the nurse home to babysit, and take the lawyer with you." We had a good laugh over that. I headed out to find his glasses, thinking that they would be broken. I found them and they were fine other than a small cut. Little did I know at that time that his glasses saved his life. The saw hit them and bounced off. If not for them, the saw would have continued through his face. After the Dr. stiched his nose back together, they came home and we only saw a small scare from it. It healed so well. It was strange that after he died and I stood there staring at his newly empty body, how much that little almost unseen scare stood out. It's interesting what you notice about someone's face, when they don't look back at you. I know that Dad broke bones as a kid and even then it almost couldn't slow him down. I remember thinking a few months before he died that a long death wouldn't be fitting to him. It was as if I was being prepared for what was to happen. After he died, I thought how perfect his death was for him. It was almost as if a work accident was his way to go. I believe if there is a "perfect" way for each of us to go- he got his.

Mother's Day

I don't remember when this started at our house growing up, but I do remember that Dad would give Mom 3 yellow roses one for each of their children. I can remember how sweet I thought that was. It had meaning, not just roses because of the day. When the grandchildren started coming he added blue carnations for the boys and pink ones for the girls. And then we lost our little boy- white for the angels. When Dad died it just seemed right that there would be yellow roses everywhere. I know that Dad wasn't perfect so it was funny that the year he passed away he jokingly said to Mom that he had told the florist to just remember to send the same flowers to Mom next year. Then he died. Mother's Day came, and the flowers came too. I got the call that morning that they needed her address. I cried knowing that "K" who worked for them and is my Mom's best friend would think of her. So tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I know that we all should think of Mom, but I also know that we will be missing Dad, because without him, Mom is not complete. But I like to think that he is planting fields of yellow roses for her. So- my memory for today may be short, but it's one that helps me know how much he loves my Mom.

Stepping aside for a moment...

So this post is going to be different in that I'd like to step to the other side of my memories and post about my Mom. It's almost Mother's Day, and I think it might be time to share why she is so important in my life. For one thing she has always been a good example to me, she never gives up. She supported us kids in everything that we wanted to try. If it was important to us, she did what she could to make it happen. She taught us how to work, and that a job worth doing was worth doing well. When ever I left the house to go to which ever job I had at the time I always tried to do the best job- to go beyond what was required. That was just the way we were taught to be. She is very "crafty" and I loved when she would put together projects for us to do together. I loved making homemade things that she taught me. Sewing, quickly became something that I have never grown tired of. It's amazing what you can do with your hands when you put yourself into it. But the most important thing that I learned from her.....how to love. I always knew that my parents loved each other- they never fought in front of us, so IF they did we never knew about it. Mom comes to the rescue whenever we need help, and even now that we live apart I know that I can count on her to be just a phone call away. So for that and many more things--- HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY- MOM!

Not one of my memories- but I been told...

When I was little we had an open ditch that went from one field to the next through a pipe, and then opened up again. From what I can remember being told, My Brother "C" and I were playing outside while Dad was working in the garden space. I guess that we had gone out into the field un-noticed by anyone to play. At some point we must have gotten to playing in the ditch or at least near it. I fell in and "C" only being 3 years older than me wasn't big enough to pull me out. At some point Dad looked up and noticed "C" looking at the ditch. I don't know how long it took him to realize that I wasn't with him before he made it to the ditch to pull me out just as I was about to go into the pipe- were it might have ended my life. I don't remember any thing about this but have been told about it a few times. Was it just a chance that Dad looked up at the right moment, or divine intervention? All I know is that he had to be in-tune with the spirit to receive the prompting to check on us. But that was the kind of man he was, he listened to the voice that told him who was in need of his help. Even if that was just a simple bag of veggies dropped off with a kind word or him showing up at your home to help with your chores when you were in need of help. That was who is was, and still is. I know that he is helping with some work that needs to be done, because he was not the kind of man that would just sit around. Not my Dad.

Dang Dog

That's what you would hear if Dad had to step over or around or as he would "kick" them out of his way, but only if someone was watching. When he thought no one was around or could hear him, he would stop reach down to give them a scratch behind the ear and a quick petting. I don't know why he thought he had to seem as if he didn't care for them- he didn't fool any of us. His heart was just too big to hate or dislike them.
One of his other favorite things to say was "dumb Dog, can't even meow. He is dumber than a cat." To which we would always just shake our heads and walk away. I can remember asking him one day if we could get a new dog- the last one had met his demise on the road, like so many of the rest of them. No, we don't need one was the answer he and mom kept giving us. But then I came home one day and told them about a dog that had been dropped off at my friends home. Her Dad was going to put him down if they didn't find him a home soon. I asked them to wait til I could talk to Dad. No they kept telling me during dinner. After the meal was done Dad told me that he was taking the truck to get hay and he would like me to ride along. I loved to ride along with him, ever since I was young it was something to look forward to. So we take off and Dad pulls out of the driveway headed the wrong way. At first I thought maybe we were just headed a different way. Finally I asked. His remark- well we might as well look at the mutt. I knew then that we would be taking the "mutt" home with us. We got to the house and my Dad talked to my friends father and when he told Dad that he was going to take him out after we left and "do away" with him, Dad said we would like to take him home with us. I was so happy, and we jumped in the truck and Dad said to me well it looks like we have a dog- and he is pretty dang lucky to have a home. And that is how Lucky came to live at our home.
Such a tough outside, but all heart on the inside.

Reading The Entries

Reading the daily entries that my Father left the day after he died, was something else. I felt like I was reading something that was not mine to read. That I was a little child reading out of the book while hiding in the closest. Hopping not to get caught. I looked up the day I was born, and adopted. What was written made me feel so loved and wanted- when I had just read that someone hadn't wanted me. They gave me away to a family that was waiting with love over flowing for me. Then I looked up every birthday of mine until the day my father quit writing, the day he died? No, the day he sold the farm, it was a death to him. But every one of my birthdays was documented in his book. How very much I needed to feel the love that came from the pages that day while I cried because he had loved me. I find myself crying now as I remember that feeling of love. He lived for farming, but when he realized that we needed more stability he sold that farm and went to work in town. I never knew until that day what he felt he had given up for us, his family was more important than his love to work the land. For that- I will always love him. He showed me by example what matters the most. Dad- thank you.

Memories of my Dad

So this morning as I was taking my morning shower I started to think of my Dad. He left this life November 2nd 2004. It seems as if it was forever ago, and at the same time just this morning. I have missed him at times so much that it hurts, and other times it is just a little reminder of what is missing. So this morning I realized that I might need to write down some of the things that I remember the most about him. So every day I am going to try to add some memory to the list.

For today, I remember when I was in High School that Dad and I shared transportation. He would drive to work and then I would take the truck to seminary and then to school. After my after-school ativities I would pick him up and head home. I also worked at McDonald's durring this time and if I got off early I would stop by his work and take him a cold drink. A Root Beer or milkshake. If it was lunch time I would take him lunch, and we would share the fries. I loved our special time alone. Mom never knew about the candy bars we would grab on the way home from work just before dinner. But it was our way to bond. And it meant the world to me. Just spending time alone with him, just Dad and Me. I'll always remember how he could make me feel like the most special person in the world.

Just little things that mean nothing to someone on the outside- but to me, it was like pure gold.
Brooke