The Day I lost Dad

It's funny how many thing seem to lead up to one moment in time. The summer before Dad's death I would be doing something and stop and think "What would we do without Dad. How would we make it." and then in the same moment another thought would form "well you would find a way. It might not be easy, but you will go on without him." To which I would quickly think I was morbid for those thoughts. Then it happened. I didn't sleep well, and then was awakened by the phone call from heck. At first it wasn't so bad. "Hey Dad's been in an accident. We don't know anything else but we are headed over to Gooding do you want to go with." I would have said no, but something pulled on my heart- Dad was always getting hurt, why was this one different? So I got ready to go, and then it hit me, I told Darren that I thought he should call my uncle and be ready to come over and meet us. The funny thing was I lied to him and said Dad might need a blessing, but in reality I felt Uncle M should be there for Mom. We got in the car and at that point I got the news that someone was saying he was dead. Mom kept saying that she didn't believe it. I don't blame her- I tried really hard to feel that he was alive, but I felt calm, too calm. Mom asked what I felt. Now here is why that means anything. Who nI was 13 and my friend was hit and killed I felt it, inside I knew something had just happened. When my grandfather died, I felt him, he woke me up and I felt him say goodbye. I didn't feel Dad go, but I felt that he was okay, that he wasn't hurting. To me that meant one of two things, he was not hurt bad, or he was dead and not in pain. I hated to admit anything, so I told Mom that I felt that he was okay- whatever that meant. I think she knew what I was "not" saying. Then we had to decide where to go. I said that I felt we should not go to the plant. Now looking back I know that would have been a sight none of us needed. At that point we found out he was dead. It was quick and done. Nothing to do- no goodbyes, nothing but sitting and wiahing I could be back in bed. My life as I knew it would forever be changed. As I write this the feelings of that moment come rushing back. The why and how, and all the other unanswered questions. How could this happen to us. I just stood there and wanted to die. In fact a little piece of me did. I wanted to shield Mom from the hurt, but I knew that I couldn't. I wanted to climb into a dark hole and come out when the world was right again. But knowing that it didn't work that way I just continued to live. Here I am headed towards the 2nd year anniversary of that day, and it still haunts me. The nightmares are gone now, but the emptiness still comes to call every once in a while.